Harry The Hamster

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Harry’s Harem

OK, Tiger. You can finally give up the charade. You’ve been in the pressure cooker long enough. You see, Tiger’s one of my best friends (yeah, I know, a tiger and a hamster, who would have thought?). And after I helped him out in his last major by tunneling under the 18th hole and tipping the ball in on the putt, he’s owed me big time. So, when it was about to come out that I was a womanizer, well, he stepped in to take the heat for me.

Yeah, that’s right. The hamster’s the hound. What can I say, I’m addicted to supermodels. So, these past two weeks he’s been taking a lot of heat for me and he’s even lost a lot of money. I feel bad, so I’m coming forward to take responsibility for all of these affairs.

Rachel Uchitel, the club hostess? I met her during the same golf tournament that Tiger met her. The reality show contestant and cocktail waitress? She had a thing for small, hairy mammals with big pouchy cheeks. The swimsuit model? Yup, tapped that.

I also feel bad because I’ve been counseling the Tiger on his media relations these past two weeks. I even wrote some statements for him to put on his Web site, to try and knock down all of the speculation that’s been surrounding him since he lied for me. But, that didn’t work too well, either. Tiger, buddy, I’m sorry. You can have all of my yogurt treats for the next month, man. All yours.

As for the thing with the SUV and the tree and the fire hydrant? That was all Tiger. I’m way too small to drive an Escalade. I roll in a Prius, baby.

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My Thanksgiving — On A Boat

That's right, I'm on a boat.

The big dumb guy went away for four days over Thanksgiving. What he doesn’t know is I know how to get out of this cage. Yup, that’s right. How do you think I get to the computer to write all of these blog entries? I may be tiny, and my brain may be the size of a Skittle, but I got enough brawn to push open that latch on the front of the prison.

So, lots of times when he’s asleep, I wander the house, watch his new HDTV (I *heart* Animal Planet HD!) and tease his pet rats who are too dumb to be able to get out of their cage. Yeah, that’s right, Leroy and Jethro! Want some Hammy meat? Ha, that’s what I thought.

But since I knew the big dumb guy was going to be gone for days, I decided it was time for a proper adventure. So I got the 10:15 bus on Route 3 in front of our apartment building and then got on a Greyhound in Philly. You see, I’m so small, the drivers don’t notice me. No ticket needed.

Anyway, I got to Jacksonville and hooked up with my buddies Andy, Kiv and T-Pain, and we went out on a boat and made a music video. I even brought my swim trunks and my flippy-floppies. Ha. Unfortunately, they cut me out of the final video, though, so you won’t see me on MTV. But it was a lot of fun.

We spent a night out on the town in Flor-I-Da, and then it was back on a bus and back into the cage before the big dumb guy got home. When he did get home, he walked into the room and opened up the cover to my den while I was zonked out, exhausted from the trip. “Well, you look tired, Harry. What you been doing, running on your wheel too much?” Ha, if he only knew…